


Please God, Don't Let Me Forget Her Smile

by Miracolina01 (orphan_account)



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Cancer, F/M, I don't know what I'm doing, M/M, brief mentions of suicide (like hella brief), i hate everything, i hate this, i suck so bad, i wrote this all last semester on my school laptop and the IT office asked me if I'm okay???, im trying, this is so cheesy, this is so shit I apologize
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-11 09:25:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5622058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Miracolina01
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ruby I hope I see you, I've waited all this week<br/>For you to walk my way, your soul will capture me<br/>Your momma painted your room a shade of pink, she said<br/>But with your great arrival that shade has turned to red.<br/>Ruby take my hand, please lead me to the Promised Land<br/>Tell me, where am I from, your eyes say, "Shada de da dum."<br/>Ruby, you're royalty, in your home land, they all call you "Queen"<br/>Tell me, where are you from, your eyes say, "Shada de da dum."<br/>You're true and pure<br/>You hold the cure<br/>We're all diseased<br/>You hold the key.<br/>You're an angel fallen down, won't you tell us of the clouds<br/>You have fallen from the sky. How high? How high?<br/>Tell our dad, "I'm sorry."</p><p>You're an angel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Please God, Don't Let Me Forget Her Smile

**Author's Note:**

> (sorry 4 wasting your time whoops)

Tyler Joseph.  
  
Married at 22. Some would say he threw his life away, but it was the best decision he thought he made. His daughter Ruby was born on February the 7th. When the time came, the baby was fine, but Jenna was not. Childbirth destroyed her, and she passed away within minuets after holding her baby girl.

And because this opened his eyes, Tyler vowed to keep his little girl alive with every fiber in his being.

But instead of the bullies or boys he feared, he never would have imagined that a _silent killer_ would be the one to strip away the sweet, young life.  
  
Enter in the man who convinced him to stay alive.  
  
|-/  
  
Joshua Dun.  
  
Married at 24. His wife, Debby, was 23. They had a two-year-old son, Caleb Allen Dun. Their lives were perfect, but a bad winter drunk-driving incident left him cold, distant and alone.  
  
He became a doctor, to save the lives of people.

_People that could’ve been his wife and child._

But when he fails, it takes a hold on him for months.

When a little girl, made completely out of pure big eyes and smiles, comes in with Acute Lymphatic Leukemia, he does everything in his power to save not only the little girl, but also the grown man that came with her.

|-/  
  
Ruby was two years old when she was diagnosed with ALL.  
  
It was completely curable, the doctors said. 70% achieve remission in a year, and 50% of those never relapse. She’d be fine. Tyler always dissed the cancer story videos in Junior High, all the “ _It’s just a bump on the road, you’ll get past it!_ ” signs in parks, billboards on roads and even on milk cartons in October.  
  
He never guessed he’d actually need the encouragement, someday.  
  
Jenna was his _everything_.  
  
He’d wake up and see her face in the morning and know he’s _okay_ , he’s _fine_ , _nothing’s wrong_ and he was going to have a beautiful family.  
  
Then in a flash, he only had Ruby.  
  
And she was _perfect,_ of course. Just like her mother. Beautiful, soft blonde hair, tanned skin, bright blue eyes…  
  
_And then, he was going to lose her, too._  
  
Her soft blonde hair turned to rough gray, and then to nothing; angelic blue eyes to dull and lifeless gray ones; soft, tanned skin to rough pale…  
  
His hopes and dreams and reasons were all fading away with his daughter, with the ticking of a clock and the beeping of a heart monitor.  
  
Tyler wanted to scream. To cry.  
  
_To die._  
  
And he vowed that if Ruby’s life went, his would, too.  
  
  
So, he just sat, ass uncomfortable in the hospital bedside chair he never left. He made no noise, just sat, lifelessly holding his daughter’s hand and thought, _this is it. This is all I have left. She’s actually going to die. God, she’s in so much pain, and her own daddy can’t help her.  
  
Does everyone feel like this?_  
  
He had those thoughts daily. He had cried so much in those past few years that he lost all his tears. He was numb to everything. So much grief overwhelmed him to the point of insensitivity. There was no happiness, no joy, no God because _what kind of fucking God would take the life of a little girl?  
  
‘Jesus loves me’ my ass_.  
  
“You’re killing yourself, you know. I can see it. You're deteriorating. You need to take care of yourself. Ruby needs it. She would've wanted it.”  
  
His mother spoke quietly, as if loud noises would offend the ~~death~~ antiseptic-scented room.  
  
The little girl laid in the bed, unmoving, her little hairless head reflecting the light from the loud electric lights above. Her skin was so pale he could hardly look at it then, but when she was awake he’d always say, “You’re not pale, darling. You’re ivory, and it was considered the most beautiful color on ladies, and still is beautiful on you.” So she wouldn’t continue crying, because _god_ , her tears were never ‘ _just tears_ ’ they were hideous river streams that affected his heart in a way _he couldn’t explain_ , and if the cause of them was this goddamn disease then he was doing to do everything in his power to make them go away. To replace them with the sweet laughter she always had as a kid.  
  
God, her laugh. Filled with marshmallows and the color pink and flakes of glitter in the daylight. He hadn’t even heard her laugh anymore. What if he never hears it again? What if he forgets what it sounds like?  
  
Her heart monitor was beeping rhythmically; her irregular but somewhat healthy heartbeat was the only music to his ears.  
  
_The only music he’d heard in a while._  
  
His hand was in his little girl’s as she fought harder in three years than anyone else could in a lifetime.

  
He looked up at his mother, finally thinking about things he vowed never to think about, three years ago.  
  
_What happens after this_?  
  
“I know.”

|-/

“Hey, here’s your coffee.”  
  
Josh came in with the two steaming cups, the room’s depressing aura quickly thrown away and replaced with the comforting, warm, home-like aroma. For the past three years, Tyler has been told many times to call Dr. Dun ‘Josh’, because it’s friendlier, and that makes the kids more comfortable.  
  
Of course, Josh didn’t have the courage to say it was because he saw Tyler as a friend.  
  
He sat next to Tyler, handing him a cup.  
  
“I was just outside, the weather’s crazy.”  
  
Tyler smiled out the window, wordlessly.  
  
“What’s up?"  
  
“...She loves the snow. She and I would have snowball fights and make snow-angels, and then when we got too cold we’d go in and drink coffee by the fire. Her mom would’ve killed me for the extra caffeine for her, but it was rare we even got snow, you know?”  
  
Josh nodded. “Yeah, get you. My son and I would always bake cookies and watch cheesy comedy films.”  
  
“Ever made snow ice-cream?”  
  
“You mean with the vanilla and cinnamon?”  
  
“Exactly! That was Ruby’s favorite treat of all time. She was always so excited.”  
  
The men smiled at each other, but both were throbbing in the inside.  
  
“I didn't know you had a son, Josh.”  
  
"Well, I used to.'" Tyler gave him a confused glance that urged him to continue, "He died a few years ago, with my wife. Car accident. That's why I'm a different doctor than my original intention, I don't think I could stand to see people die in a shocking way."

“I’m sorry.”  
  
“It’s not your fault.”  
Josh looked away and stood with his coffee, walking to the other side of the bed where Ruby laid. He touched her cheek and secretly wiped his silent tear that fell against his will, and hoped Tyler didn’t notice.  
  
Tyler broke the silence. “Seasonal depression?”  
  
Josh hummed in response as he sipped his coffee. “What about it?”  
  
“Is it normal?”  
  
“Depends. It is an actual mental disorder.”  
  
“I’ve always had it. Ruby made it vanish, she was born in February. Her red nose and cheeks lit excitement inside me for snow days.” Tyler took a sharp breath, and decided to let the words flow like active tap water from a sink. “But if she dies this winter-”  
  
“-Then she dies."

Tyler looked over at the older man with unsteadiness and shock.

"You'll be depressed. For a long time. It will ruin your life. In fact, you'll think you're dying, you'll want to kill yourself. It's probably the hardest thing you can go through."

Josh was always the calm and collected and optimistic one, the solid, stationary ground under Tyler’s feet. So, having an explosion like this was slightly unsettling. Josh quickly calmed down and continued.

“Listen, you know what? I know you’ve had it rough. I know you’ve been through a lot. I’ve seen your face in these halls too many times to count.” He used exaggerated hand gestures to prove his point, which would’ve been comical in any other situation except this one. “You’ve never let go of your angel’s hand for longer than one hour, tops.” His voice got a little softer. “But, she is still in that bed, and if she never gets out, she doesn’t want to look down from Heaven or whatever you believe in and see the strongest, most important man she knows crying and hurting himself because of her.” He moved over to Tyler, held on to his shoulders and spoke quietly, just above a whisper. “She wants to see him _okay_ , recovering, growing _stronger_ , getting better, doing things that make him happy. _Remembering the jokes, the little things, the home, the family…_ She doesn’t want to guilt him by dying, something she didn’t even ask for. I know you can do it. You're going to live past this. No matter what happens.” Josh wrapped his arms around Tyler. “Do it for Ruby.”

  
_Do it for Ruby._  
  
I know you can do it.  
  
Tyler was speechless. Sure, people had said that to him before, he just never gave attention to it. But Josh, when he said it, Tyler believed him immediately. Josh knew about death. Josh lost his family, too. He’s still broken, but he’s bending back into shape.

Can Tyler do that, too?  
  
Tyler tried choking back his crying, his throat was burning and there were tears forming in his eyes.  
  
_“Can I?”  
  
“You can.”_  
  
Josh smiled and rubbed Tyler’s back. The two unknowingly exchanged a small smile, both ignoring their stupid hearts fluttering inside.  
  
“ _You can do it, Tyler. You are stronger than you think_.” Josh’s voice spoke deeply and softly, comforting the rushing blood of the heartbroken father.

|-/

 _Monday, 02:33:12pm.  
  
Ruby squeezed his hand back.  
  
At 05:00:17pm, she opened her eyes and whispered, “Daddy?”_  
  
Tyler cried for the first time in months.  
  
He cooed, he held her hand; he gave her something to drink. ~~Doctor Dun~~  Josh came in and checked everything.  
  
_The coma did nothing to help her._

 _But she was finally awake, and that means they have to be one step closer to recovery, right?  
_  
  
Before she went to sleep, she said, “It’s okay daddy. It doesn’t hurt anymore.”  
  
And of course, like always, Tyler panicked.  
  
“I’ll tell mommy everything, don’t worry.”  
  
11:01:10pm, _“I love you, daddy.”_  
  
|-/

Tuesday.

02:33:13am.  
  
Color drained out of everything, like pouring water from a pitcher.

A pitcher that held everything important and hopeful in one persons life.

Gray.

Everything was gray.

That’s the only color Tyler could see, hear, smell, breathe...  
  
Gray hour.  
  
Gray,  
  
Because it’s nothing, but something, It’s boring, it’s lifeless.  
  
It is gray.  
  
_Gray like the color of the hospital pillow she’d been laying on for years._  
  
Gray like the color of the roots that betrayed her hair.  
  
Gray like the color of her eyes before she closed them.  
  
Gray like the hospital room walls they were trapped in for the past three goddamn years.  
  
Gray like the pillow her sweet; childlike, innocent head lay on for every day, drenched in sweat and vomit and tears.  
  
Gray like the daisies had turned, when weeks became months.  
  
Gray like his soul, that has been and will always be, gray, and lifeless, and boring, and worthless, and will be until the day he dies…  
  
The nurses and doctors flew in the room, moved the bed to a gurney and sprinted down the hall faster than before seen.  
  
“Her heart monitor just stopped. Just like that."  
  
"No breathing, no pulse, no warning…”  
  
Other than every last word she said.  
  
“It’s okay, don’t worry, daddy.”  
  
“I bet Heaven is beautiful.”  
  
“I love you, daddy.”  
  
As soon as Josh entered the room with tears staining his face, Tyler threw his arms around him and abandoned all of the barriers to the thoughts he told himself not to think. He sobbed for the first time in what felt like forever, the force of his body pushed the two into the wall. Josh sat, just that way. Sobbing because he felt completely useless, because this happened and he couldn't save her and Tyler was broken because he never let himself say goodbye to his little girl because it would've been too hard for him to let go of hope with his daughter dying before his eyes.  
  
For the first time in a long time, Tyler prayed.

  
_"God? It’s me. We haven’t talked in a while, huh? I know, I know, I've left you, and I don't deserve you to take me back. But if you really have to take her, all I ask is one thing.  
  
Please, don’t let me forget her smile.  
  
Or her laugh. Or her adorable quirks. Please don’t let me forget snow ice cream and coffee or the color pink and the way her laugh felt like sunlight and princess tiaras…  
  
God, don’t let me forget her.  
  
And please, don’t let her forget me."  
_  
|-/  
  
_Ruby Lane Joseph died that Tuesday morning, at 2:33:13pm._  
  
And it seemed that, if only for a second, the entire world was launched into dead space.

|-/

Death.  
  
It came and it went, and time went on.  
  
_Life_ goes on.  
  
But, it went on differently. Tyler opened the door to his home and walked up the stairs. He faintly saw her room door open, and slowly closed it, without breathing.  
  
He couldn’t face that yet. Not today.  
  
He cooked, but the fridge soon rotted with leftover food because _he forgot how to cook for one._  
  
He watched TV, _waiting_ for the small body to curl next to him _that never came._  
  
He cussed. He smoked. He drank. He got tattoos. But he never dared to bring someone inside.  
  
He was lonely beyond belief.  
  
But, everyday he got a phone call from Josh. They always asked how each other were, and _meant_ it. Here and there they’d grab a coffee or dinner, or even crash at Josh’s and watch a movie.  
  
Tyler didn’t think he could do it,  
  
_But he was bending back into shape_.  
  
With Josh’s help and patience, Tyler would be okay.  
  
_Everything will be okay._ Yes, it will be tough. No, life will not be the same, but there is still a sun outside. And a Dun on the cell phone line. And maybe, just maybe, a God in the sky.  
  
They say time cannot be personified, but can't we still feel it? We feel it wasting, passing, speeding, slowing… We are always conscious of our minds and bodies, and time that builds and damages us in unison.  
  
In mourning, time seems to slow or stop in a crisis. But as we recover, it builds back up again, even excruciatingly slowly. The loss of someone you love slows time down, but the love never really leaves us. This emptiness is soon partially filled with everlasting endurance.

Times will be hard.

There are days when we feel like _absolute shit_ and all we feel like doing is sitting alone and crying, and yet we simultaneously wish the someone we miss were there to hold or to hold us.

 _It is okay to cry.  
  
It is okay to be angry or sad.  
  
It is okay to mourn.  
  
It is okay.  
  
And it will be okay._  
  
So look at what you have now. Look at the sunshine, look at the rain. Look at the snow falling on the ground and think of ice cream and coffee and snowmen. Look at the two crimson glasses on your first date since moving on, and think,  
  
_I am strong. I can do it. I can get past this._  
  
Because it is true _._

**Author's Note:**

> still laughing @myself but anyways thanks for reading n stuff I'm sorry


End file.
